guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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