don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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