Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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