you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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