ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think your dad took our porno
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
