dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
