Kiss
Puke
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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