you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
where are my eyebrows?
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