If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
