Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
