Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
