She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
