She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
