My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
