I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
