just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
