If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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