Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He shit in the fireplace
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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