That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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