Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
