new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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