Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
