Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
