I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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