just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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