The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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