Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
