today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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