my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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