what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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