Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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