my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
