Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
