yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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