I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
