he shaved USA in his pubs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
