Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
