you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
