Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize