Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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