Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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