Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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