I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
