i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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