If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
