hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
