i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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