The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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