dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
did i walk over a car last night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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