So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
