Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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