I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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