brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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