im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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