I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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