I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
please don't ironically join a cult
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