My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.