Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
